Thursday, November 26, 2009

 

Ooh it's the latest craze

With all this coverage the beautiful game now gets come a host of bewildering terminology that leaves me wondering if I could ever play Subbuteo again.

Take for example the man in the hole. Who is this man and what the bloody hell is he doing in the hole? Shouldn't he be playing football, not dicking around in holes. And anyway I thought all pitches these days are billiard green smooth. So where did the bloody holes come from?

But we accept it and we use the expression ourselves because we want to sound as knowledgable as the talking TV heads who throw this gibbersih at us.

Once upon a time we had midfielders. Who played in midfield. Not anymore. Now every team just has to have a holding midfielder. And what the rubber duck does he do? Usually, apparently, he plays the simple ball. Oh great, 100 grand a week to 'play the simple ball.'

Further listening and we will soon find out the holding midfielder protects the back four. How he does that is never explained. Imagine a back four spread across the width of the pitch and one man, our holding midfielder, is supposed to protect all that space? By himself?

Did Bobby Moore ever need a holding midfielder? What about Hansen and Lawrenson when they were part of the Liverpool team that won everything.

Players like Bryan Robson, Graeme Souness, Brian Talbot, they all played midfield, they all could score and they all could tackle.

Not anymore. Now holding midfielders just hold. They're not expected to get forward, they just do the simple ball.

And don't get me started on Technical Directors or Directors of Football! Just what they hell does a Technical Director do when he's clocked in? I had one guy recently assure me such a such a person would make a better TD than coach! Eh?

Just what the hell do they have Directors of Football in football clubs for? Are they shareholders? Do they have a stake in the club?

And we're hearing a lot about cheating these days what with Eduardo and Thierry Henry being in the spotlight and being found guilty by the mass media. Hmm, what ever happened to David Ngog? Whatever happens to outcrys after Liverpool players make like a dying swan?

And why this hysteria? It's the culture of the game innit? Players do what they can to win, something they've been trained ever since they first shoved some tupperward down their shorts. They ain't gonna change. Who's gonna make them? Coaches for sure aren't going to insist on a new breed of honest pro, not when it could mean losing points and ultimately the sack.

For decades players and pundits alike have acepted that a certain degree of cheating goes on in the game. If the players can get away with it, why not? It's not up to the players to play fair, that's up to the ref, it's his bloody job. He wanted to ponce about with a pea in his mouth.

Media led witch hunts, usually when it is percieved Arsenal are the offenders, remember that FA Cup tie against Sheffield United where the whole world accused Arsenal of cheating? EVEN WHEN NO RULE WAS BROKEN? And we offered a replay?

FIFA, and UEFA, need to remember that the match officials are the final arbiter of what goes on on the field. They should not start reacting to every prissy media inspired hue n cry or headline. Their job is football and the beauty of football is that the game played at the highest levels is the game played on parks and fields around the world. It's simple, it's beautiful and it's human.

Keep it that way.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

 

Wigan Athletic or Glasgow Rangers

Every once a while someone comes up with the idea of allowing two Scottish side, Celtic and Rangers, to join the English Premier League. Yet there are absolutely no reasons at all why they should be even considered. No logical, no football, no common sensical reason at all.

As ideas go it is on a parallel with the 39th game for nonsense.

It's not my fault they're Scottish. In fact ask their fans and they will even dispute that saying Rangers are British and Celtic are Irish. But Geography has placed them north of Hadrian's Wall and there ain't no one who wants to relocate Glasgow south.

Typical of the Scots though, innit. They want more independance from Whitehall while at the same time asking for more money, sending us Gordon Brwon then asking for two of their clubs to join our league.

Only one 'Scottish' club should be allowed to join the English league and that is Berwick Rangers for the not alltogether unreasonable notion that they are actually in England.

If we allow the likes of Rangers and Celtic to join where would that leave the likes of Wigan Athletic? For those who never knew football existed before either 92 (Premier League) or 96 (Euro 96) Wigan were a non league side back in the 1970s who have battled their way through the divisions to the very pinnacle of the English game and now sell players to Manchester United for 16 million quid.

The few Wigan fans who attended a 3rd division game against Fulham that I did back in the 89s must be pinching themselves..

Since then Nottingham Forest have won the European Cup but who remembers them? It is Wigan in the Premier League and it is Wigan wot dun it the hard way.

And the Scots would have us tell the other Wigans to fuck off because they wanna fast track their beloved Celtic and Rangers into our top flight?

Och aye, see you teddy and away n shite ya kilt wearing fungas carrying bagpipe blowing geographical accidents.

What would these guys bring us anyway? Rangers with their Hand of Ulster and right wing links that made them such good mates of fellow knuckle dragging boneheaded simians Chelsea?

Or Celtic with their deification of hunger striking terroists who gloried in flinging shit against the walls of their cells and calling it political protest? Whose fans would happily support the murder of women and children while Americans, seduced by the romantic songs of the Dubliners would happily pass round the cap for the boyos long before they decided terroists were evil, not romantic.

If they wanna move then let them join the Latvian Super League. We don't need them down south.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

 

Time for some expert analysis

My epiphinal moment

It was only about four years ago I started writing about football on a regular basis. My aim was simple. To write about the simple game in a simple way. I grew up with punk, no thrills, no bells and whistles, just two or three minutes to say what you wanna say. Same with my writing. But I also wanted to improve my knowledge of the game. I wanted to progress from White Riot to London Calling.

I was leaving England just as the fanzine movement was taking off and I had high (ish) hopes that they would help improve the coverage of the game which at that time only had Shoot and Saint & Greavsie which was considered cutting edge because of its humour. Alleged humour.

Today we have wall to wall coverage of the English game but I'm not sure all these talking heads contribute to people's understanding of the game. When I started writing I would often take aim at these pundits, usually ex pros, who would get into games free and basically spout shite then go home and wait for the cheque to drop through the letter box.

Listen to an ex pro and everything, but everything is down to bad marking or poor refereeing. Everything that happens on the field is because the defender was daydreaming or the ref needs to get down the opticians pretty damned quick.

And that was the sum total of these pros contributions. So I whinged. And then a media mate of mine wrote back and said that while he understood what I was trying to say, he had a certain amount of sympathy with the pundits.

Why! I mentally screamed.

And then I thought about it. And it dawned on me. Football is so damned simple. If a defender isn't doing his job properly then yes, someone might score. Because the ref or linesman is only human then yes, they are going to miss things. And without these errors we would not have football. We would have chess. And no one would pay to watch that.

There is nothing more really to add. Everything else is window dressing.

Take formations. You know what? I went to hundreds of games when I was younger and I never knew whether a team was playing 4 4 2, 4 2 4 or 3 5 2. I didn't have a scooby and it never once distracted me from enjoying a game of football.

But now I am forever being pestered about 4 1 3 2 or 4 1 4 1 or 4 1 2 1 2 or some such crap. Is player X better in the hole? I don't frigging know.

I never knew whether Tony Adams played on the right side of a back four or the left side and it certainly wasn't something we discussed as we walked back to Finsbury Park in the rain. He was crap or he played well.

With blogs and all that I really thought we would see a return to football as the simple game with spot on analysis but with some banter thrown in. but instead what we get is punters, including people like me, pontificating about formations or wing backs or zonal marking without clearly understanding what they are talking about.

Which brings us back to pundits. These guys played the game but for whatever reason they never moved into coaching. Why bother when they can go on TV, blame the ref and still have time for a round of golf before it gets dark. But players don't make the best pundits necessarily.

To get a better understanding of the game I would much prefer to see, or hear, coaches or former coaches, give their 10 pence worth. I want to hear both sides about zonal marking v man to man. I want to know whey the left footed player is being played on the right.

Players as pundits trivialise the game when they blame the defence or the officials for everything. Time perhaps for some real analysis...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

 

Is Rafa softening?

Some of the noises coming out of Liverpool boss Rafael Beneitz have been, well, very un Rafa like

Take for example his reaction to the beach ball scoring the winner at the Stadium of Light. Old skool Rafa would have been ranting and raving for days after about the injustice of beach toys invading the pitch in the north east.

But the current Rafa just rolls over, kicks his kegs in the air and says oh you know, these things happen.

What's that all about? He should at least be blaming Sir Alex Ferguson but oh no. The Spanish waiter has gone all meek and mild.

And then we have the dodgy penalty (what, Liverpool and dodgy pens? Never, I won't have it) against Birmingham when David 'Who are ya' Ngog auditioned for the 2012 Olympics.

Instead of coming out all guns blazing our goateed hero just says 'yeah, maybe it wasn't a pen.'

This is the guy who can go on TV straight faced and say yep, he was fouled even when replays showed otherwise.

It ain't natural I tell thee and I fear portends doom. Has Rafa truly lost heart in his job? Has the behind the scenes crap at Anfield pissed on his fire once and for all and now he's just going thrugh the motions?

Is he actively, in a passive way, looking for the old tin tack and a golden pay off before returning to Spain?

Monday, November 9, 2009

 

Red nose day comes early

Here we are in early November and Sir Alex Ferguson, the one time union rep who got on his knees for her maj, is already losing it.

Fact is he won the league last year by default. 'Cos Arsenal and Chelsea weren't good enough over the season. 'Cos Liverpool haven't been contenders since Dalglish quit.

And now old red nose is losing it big time. Heaven forbid any ref should give a decision against United. I mean we're talking the same United here who have enjoyed many a benefit of the doubt over the years from pliant refs keen to avoid the hairdryer or microwave.

Fergie has no depth in his squad and he has not replaced Ronaldo let alone Duncan Edwards or Roy Keane. The squad he has at the moment, like Liverpool's, isnt' exactly flooded with quality. And this gets shown up when the fortiutious decions that he and his team are so used to accepting don't go his way.

So Fergie lashes out. At the match officials. Wenger will benext, the detente will soon be over as old red nose realises nothing last forever and that includes him. Fact is United's deep pockets are being accessed by ever shorter arms as the Glaser's seek to pay off themoney they own.

The chickens are coming home to roost and Fergie don't like it one little bit. As he shouldn't, proud man that he is. He lashes out but truth be told he's attacking the wrong guys. Forget the match officials, it's the boardroom where he should direct his ire...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

 

City chase 9 year old Chinese prodigy

The new money bags of the English Premier League Manchester City are understood to have entered the race to sign Chinese wonderkid Yu Foo Kin Dum.

Reports have spread round the internet about the young lad from Yunnan province after a video was shown on You Tube showing him score 6 goals in one game. Other footage showed the player running with the ball and leaving defenders in his wake.

City haven't said anything official but once they heard that Arsenal and Manchester United had shown an interest in Yu they have decided to have a look themselves.

Both Arsenal and Manchester United have a large supporter base in China and it is believed City are also interested in tapping into this huge market. And they believe signing Yu will give them an extra advantage over the more traditional big names.

One source close to the club suggests that they will send scouts to China in the near future and hope to impress the child's parents with the seriousness of their bid.

The club believe it would be a huge feather in their cap if they were to takeaway the highly sought after Yu from their rivals and would announce their arrival on the big stage.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

 

Who are ya?

I'm not going to have a pop at Liverpool today, for a change, despite their 3-1 defeat by Fulham yesterday. Instead I stand totally and utterly bemused at how this side can ever be considered title defenders outside of the Liverpool supporters club and the Big 4 fixated media.

But surely this Liverpool squad has to be the most anonymous in all the 40 odd years I've been watching football. It looks like Rafael Benetiz has done his shopping using You Tube, Fantasy Football and Scrabble along with a few kids who turned up looking for some casual work on their gap year!

They're not a two man team. Far from it, their strength is 50% more than that. But the rest?

Voronin, Kyrgiakos, Lucas, Insua, Ngog, Degen, Spearing, Plessis, El Zhar, Dossena, Eccleston, Gulasci - who are ya?

The squad is thinner than the walls of a two bob whore house in Bangkok.

But compare that with his backroom staff of thousands and you understand the inconsistancies. Half the team travel to games on the train, there just isn't enough room on the team coach. And as we all know, travelling by train in the UK is enough to play havoc with anyone's state of mind. And all that changing at Crewe!?!

Liverpool will not win the Premier League under the Spanish waiter. This season, with a squad weaker than both Tottenham (just writing that sends shivers down my spine) and Manchester City they could well struggle to stay in the top 6.

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