Premier League Nonsense

With all this coverage the beautiful game now gets come a host of bewildering terminology that leaves me wondering if I could ever play Subbuteo again.

Take for example the man in the hole. Who is this man and what the bloody hell is he doing in the hole? Shouldn't he be playing football, not dicking around in holes. And anyway I thought all pitches these days are billiard green smooth. So where did the bloody holes come from?

But we accept it and we use the expression ourselves because we want to sound as knowledgable as the talking TV heads who throw this gibbersih at us.

Once upon a time we had midfielders. Who played in midfield. Not anymore. Now every team just has to have a holding midfielder. And what the rubber duck does he do? Usually, apparently, he plays the simple ball. Oh great, 100 grand a week to 'play the simple ball.'

Further listening and we will soon find out the holding midfielder protects the back four. How he does that is never explained. Imagine a back four spread across the width of the pitch and one man, our holding midfielder, is supposed to protect all that space? By himself?

Did Bobby Moore ever need a holding midfielder? What about Hansen and Lawrenson when they were part of the Liverpool team that won everything.

Players like Bryan Robson, Graeme Souness, Brian Talbot, they all played midfield, they all could score and they all could tackle.

Not anymore. Now holding midfielders just hold. They're not expected to get forward, they just do the simple ball.

And don't get me started on Technical Directors or Directors of Football! Just what they hell does a Technical Director do when he's clocked in? I had one guy recently assure me such a such a person would make a better TD than coach! Eh?

Just what the hell do they have Directors of Football in football clubs for? Are they shareholders? Do they have a stake in the club?

And we're hearing a lot about cheating these days what with Eduardo and Thierry Henry being in the spotlight and being found guilty by the mass media. Hmm, what ever happened to David Ngog? Whatever happens to outcrys after Liverpool players make like a dying swan?

And why this hysteria? It's the culture of the game innit? Players do what they can to win, something they've been trained ever since they first shoved some tupperward down their shorts. They ain't gonna change. Who's gonna make them? Coaches for sure aren't going to insist on a new breed of honest pro, not when it could mean losing points and ultimately the sack.

For decades players and pundits alike have acepted that a certain degree of cheating goes on in the game. If the players can get away with it, why not? It's not up to the players to play fair, that's up to the ref, it's his bloody job. He wanted to ponce about with a pea in his mouth.

Media led witch hunts, usually when it is percieved Arsenal are the offenders, remember that FA Cup tie against Sheffield United where the whole world accused Arsenal of cheating? EVEN WHEN NO RULE WAS BROKEN? And we offered a replay?

FIFA, and UEFA, need to remember that the match officials are the final arbiter of what goes on on the field. They should not start reacting to every prissy media inspired hue n cry or headline. Their job is football and the beauty of football is that the game played at the highest levels is the game played on parks and fields around the world. It's simple, it's beautiful and it's human.

Keep it that way.