Premier League Nonsense

Footballers aren't necessarily the brightest light on the christmas tree. Calling them a few sarnies short of a picnic or a 6 pack sort of a session has always been pretty common and they do seem to be getting thicker and thicker.

Listen to a footballer when they are asked to be a pundit and you realise not only that just 'cos they play the games and earn shit loads from doing so doesn't mean they understand the game. (Of course nor do many bloggers, forum posters and football writers!)

Footballers as pundits like to cover the cliches that come in the official professional footballer's association handbook. Somebody must always step up to the plate for example. It's always good to squeeze in an early doors, epsecially, um, early doors. And don't forget footballers always like to set out their stall. Even if better if they can do it early doors.

Keeping on with punditry, near;y everything that happens is either a defender's fault or a match official's fault. Preferably the latter 'cos players always remember the time they got caught showing their studs and be red carded by the ref who didn't fall for their bull shit.

Footballers love Monopoly. It's a game where money comes and goes very easily, much like in their lives. Things like rent and fines are minor irritants and mortgages are only experienced by plebs who can't afford to pay cash for a place to live.

And this approach they carry over to running a football club, a task that thankfully the vast majority will never get to do. Again the Monopoly mentality comes to the fore as the answer to every question is to throw cash at something. It ain't there cash, they don't have to use any of theirs and anyway it works for Real Madrid innit?

The look is also important. Players spend hours in front of the mirror practising that surly look where they look mean and moody down their noses at the rest of us. Shoulders pushed back, perhaps arms folded, players love this pose so much they even effect it when they're not getting paid.

Another important part of being a footballer is when they get off the team coach. It is vital at times like these they look like miserable gits, totally loathing what they do. The shell suit is necessary but the real piece de resistance is the massive bloody ear phones.

It's incredibly cool to walk past the paying spectator, possibly only seeking an autograph or picture, looking straight ahead and lost in a world of tinned music, they're saying fuck the world, you need me, we don't need you.

Luckily things are a little different here in south east Asia. I was at a hotel where the Persija players were staying last year and it was a common sight to see players being approached by hesitant guests asking for a picture and them always accepting.

The same thing happens on the pitch as well. I've seen it in Indonesia and Thailand, fans run on and get players to sign shirts etc. It's oneof the attractions of the game in this region, the bond between fans and players.

To give you an example Indonesian striker Bambang Pamungkas was strongly linked with a move during the pre season. After he signed for Persija he went on his website and gave a brief re cap and explanation of what had happened behind the headlines.

Imagine tarts like Adebayor doing that?

It's been a long time since Arsenal fans have been able to they were saved three points be a goal keeper. In recent years we have since a slightly barking, slightly potty Jens Lehmann followed by a Spanish bit part player with a penchant for dodgy barnets.

We have to go back to the days of David Seaman when he last had a keeper who could inspire real confidence throughout the team. With Almunia it's always a matter of when he drops a bollock, not if.

But yesterday we can look back on a performance by the man between the sticks that we haven't seen the like of for a long while. Make no mistakes it was a smash n grab job at Craven Cottage and it took an inspired performance by Mannone to eusure three points.

He has one of those days where everything bounced off him and away to safety. He may never have another performance like that in his career but to have it so early will do his career wonders and it also puts enough credit in the bank to allow people to overlook his upcoming blunders.

'Yeah but', pundits will wisely nod after Vito has a howler at Hull and we get just a 2-2 instead of a 2-0, 'you know what he can do. Remember that game at Fulham?'

Wenger will probably drop him next game just to keep the pressure off him. One game don't make a great keeper but the young Italian has set his own bar pretty bloody high.

What the hell was he expecting?

Sol Campbell has grown up expecting the finer things in life at his football clubs. His resume is indeed impressive with many years at Tottenham, many trophies at Arsenal (before his walkout) and bits n pieces at Portsmouth.

And of course dozens of caps with England who don't tend to do things by half.

So what did he expect when he moved to Notts County? Are top level footballers really out of touch with what goes on in the lower divisions?

Why would he commit to a 5 year contract in the first place? Unless of course his eyes glazed over at the money on offer.

Campbell made the difficult move from Tottenham to Arsenal when the media were convinced he would join either Manchester United or Bayern Munchen. His reasoning then, at least publicly, was that he wanted to be close to his mam.

But after walking out on first Arsenal and now Notts County he is in danger of becoming unwanted. Who, after all, is going to commit to a guy with a penchant of doing a runner the first time something goes against him?

Apart from Kevin Keegan!

OK so Manchester City may have lost thanks to Michael Owen's winner deep, very deep, into injury time but they did won in one area.

Their shirt is so damned classy. It's an old school football shirt dating back to the 60s/70s back in the day when football shirts were basic and kept far away from geeks with Corel Draw.

Their city rival's United have that pointless, irrelevant black V thing across their chest. And what about Tottenham? What other club's fans can rush out to buy a football shirt with a chicken on one tit and dashes of yellow down the sides?

Arenal's famous white sleeves almost seem to be a thing of the past with the current poncey effort seeing just a narrow white band. And who the hell decided our away kit is blue eh? And has been ever since those Just Do It merchants took over with the odd bow to yellow, our more traditional 2nd choice kit, and now even white.

40 quid a pop in the greatest football fan rip off. But hey, the schmucks still queue up to buy them and clubs can't wait to release new shirts with websites announcing launch days and recommending fans, and or schmucks, get their orders in first.

A UEFA spokesman has come out to say his organisation is not systematically anti English. There had been accusations that there was an agenda of sorts being carried out by the gnomes of Geneva but Gaston Gobshite has categorically denied this.

'We treat every case on its merits,' he said. Regarding the Eduardo penalty appeal it was 'obvious something needed to be done and seen to be done because everyone knows Arsenal are a bunching of cheating shit.'

Responding to claims that Wayne Rooney went down too easily when playing for England against Slovenia at Wembley he said 'it may have looked suspicious but I can categorically state that he didn't dive. Because he said on TV he didn't dive and we believe him.'

Diving is bad for the game Gaston went on to explain but it only happens in England. 'I have never seen anyone dive in Italian or Spanish football. Not once.'

'You saw John Terry saying that English players don't dive and he's right. Most don't. But when they play for Arsenal they do.'

Gaston went on to suggest Emmanuel Adebayor is very probably the best player in Europe at the moment and suggests Arsenal fans need to get used to it.

'That incident with van Persie? Van Persie should have got a red card for his disgusting antics trying to discredit a fellow pro.'

Talking about Manchester United Gaston said that it wasn't true that UEFA were scared of Sir Alex Ferguson and he called the chants aimed at Arsene Wenger the voice of a 'minority and not fully representative of the support of the greatest football club in the world.'

Gaston finished the interview saying that English food was the worst in the world and that having once 'snogged' an English girl on the beach at Bournemouth he would 'never wish that on his worst enemy,' likening the experience to sticking his tounge down a toilet roll tube.

Like the rest of the world that lives outside the bubble of Sky promoted Premier League football I didn't so much smile when Wayne Rooney said he never dived. When I first read it I spilt my beer as I tried to imagine him trying to convince the world of this ludicrous statement.

I will refer to Pizzagate at Old Trafford when United ended Arsenal's 49 match unbeaten run and Wooney did a Phelps entering the pool to win a penalty. And last Saturday when later pictures showed him falling before he even got near Almunia.

Footballers live in cuckoo land. We know that and we know that sections of the media will unquestioningly accept what they say.

I can't take Rooney seriously anyway. In my mind he will forever be associated for paying to rut grannies in dilapidated, rat infested Toxteth bordellos (bring your own bed sheets).

Good player mind

I don't like Liverpool. Back in the late 70s when they were the best team in Europe by some distance they bored the socks off me. Every game at Highbury I seemed to recall ending in a yawn fest as both sides came out and battled for a point.

But I often think about them when I see some transfers go through and I wonder how if Liverpool could build the best team in Europe by shopping in the English lower divisions then, why can't it be done today.

Of course then there were no foreigners in the English game. No Fernando Torres. Butthen the mickey mouses haven't done badly in that department have they, finding players like Ian Rush, John Toshack and John Aldridge from smaller clubs.

But let's look at the Liverpool team that won the European Cup for the first time 32 years ago and more importantly where they come from.

Ray Clemence - famously a deck chair attendant as well as playing for Scunthorpe United

Phil Neal - famous for his daft bubble perm and playing for Northampton bloody Town before winning a few pots
Tommy Smith - old school. born and bred on the Mersey you can imagine him chewing pint glasses down the White Hart before running out in front of the Kop and twatting all n sundry
Emlyn Hughes - the only footballer ever named Emlyn? Before he became famous for wearing daft pullovers on TV Liverpool signed him from Blackpool. Never realised he died a few years back.
Joey Jones - signed from Wrexham who have always been shite. Joey Ate The Frogs Legs, Made The Swiss Roll, Now He's Munching Gladbach was seen on a banner at the final. Oh those witty scousers

Ian Callaghan - played for Liverpool for donkeys years. Appropriate 'cos he ran like one last time I saw him
Jimmy Case - probably nicknamed Head for obvious reasons.
Terry McDermott - famous for his bubble perm and tache making him the archtypal scouser. Signed from Newcastle
Ray Kennedy - a big money signing from Arsenal

Kevin Keegan - perhaps better known as saying I would love it frequently as well as quitting managerial jobs he too came from Scunthorpe
Steve Heighway - posh git who went to university, picked up playing for Skelmersdale.

What's happened to players like these? Are the lower divisions so bereft of talent premier league managers must keep signing Pascal Chimbonda, Teemu Tanio and Abdoulaye Dijeriferkin ad infinitum?

Do managers like Wenger and Ferguson attend lower division games themselves or is that seen as beneath them?

Just where have the English players gone?

Jesus saves ...

...but God gives Man U a penalty anyway